Known to its previous victims as “the fastest, bloodiest, deadliest, most adjective-abusing, action-packed first-person shooter of 1996,” STRAFE® has pushed the limits of computer-generated photorealism and hardcore sci-fi action so far, it’s doomed the human species to a fate so terrifying, so unreal, that billions quake at the mere thought of not getting a chance to play it on release day.
“People want blood. They want tight action,” said Thom Glunt, director of STRAFE®. “They want speed that makes their face melt off, so they can scoop up the soupy remains and toss it in the air like a liquid confetti. Nobody gets that like Devolver Digital.”
“Once everyone is dead, then we can take literally all of their money,” said Fork Parker, Devolver Digital CFO. “Who’s gonna stop us? You? You’ll be a boiling puddle of entrails with more important things to do, like replacing the office chair you just dissolved through. And good luck, ‘cause you’re bankrupt.”
STRAFE® is set to indiscriminately terminate everyone you know and love in early 2017, releasing on PC, Mac, and possibly Linux, if everyone would stop f****** asking about it. Oculus Rift compatibility will give players the option to die in style, with dignity.